there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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