My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
