I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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