i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
