Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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