watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We need to rekindle our bromance
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
