i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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