It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
