She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
