So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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