I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
