Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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