so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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