so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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