Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
