When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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