True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
