No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
