And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
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