I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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