I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
