Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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