Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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