bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
