Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
