home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
