good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
