He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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