the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I think I just sharted jello shots
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
