It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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