did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
