Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
