One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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