the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
