Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
