My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
