she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
