im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
is it fun? or sober?
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