Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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