I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
