Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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