I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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