I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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