So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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