You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
