I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
