I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
