I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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