So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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