just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
