My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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