chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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