Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
