So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
