i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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