At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
