Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
