She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
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I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
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You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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